To Make things Exciting and Different – Is in our Hands- “The Forgotten Birthday.”

Marcia and looked dolefully out of the window. She was a miserable. She felt rejected, uncared for, deserted  and useless. Obviously she meant nothing to anyone. It was already  9 am and no one had phoned her,  not one member of her family. Obviously no one cared at all. No one cared enough to remember, or if they did remember they were too busy to phone. She was just not important to anyone.

She made herself a third cup of coffee adding a little too much sugar to it. Well she needed the extra sugar. She had to have it. Did it matter how much  she ate if it mattered to no one? It was her 59th birthday and just no one seemed to have remembered. There where it no early-morning calls,  no flowers coming to her door. But maybe there was still time. Maybe her family where busy. Maybe they would phone later.

There was a ring at the front door and Marcia cheered up. That was surely the flowers. They had remembered. Eagerly she opened the door only to find the man who usually read the water meter outside. He was looking a little agitated. "Excuse me ma’m," he said,  "someone has put  bricks in the hole where the water meter control is kept. We are having difficulty reading it. She walked with him outside and saw the problem promising that he could came back the next day and she would make sure her gardener would  remedy this. Disappointed she went back inside, noting that it was now 10:00am. There was no message and there had been no flowers.

 Miserable, she made another cup of coffee and went to lie down, the phone next to her. It was 2 p m when she awoke, the telephone still silent. She lifted the receiver to make sure that phone was actually working. It was. She felt more and more depressed, disillusioned, miserable, rejected and destitute . No one remembered her birthday and no one loved her. She was quite sure of that now. Her family simply did not care. She began to think about all the birthday parties she had made for her children. She had spent hours, in fact days, making and icing the delicious  cakes, making savory snacks, shopping for special trinkets and toys to put it into small tie- up bags for each small guest at the party. She remembered the treasure hunts she had prepared in the garden, and the apples strung up on strings, and the pass- the- parcel so neatly wrapped up in wads of paper.

Then there  was no such thing as forgetting any of her children's birthdays. And anyway, they reminded her constantly, counting the days towards it with enthusiasm. But here she was alone. She made herself two cheese sandwiches and turned on TV, watching her favorite serials only half halfheartedly. At 7:00pm she went to bed, but sleep would not come. She tossed and turned, aware that she was becoming more and more depressed distressed and upset. Nobody cared. They had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they did not care. They had proved it beyond a doubt. And she was crying freely now as she realized that no one at all had remembered what day  it was. No one loved her. They were all too busy with their own lives to be concerned about their mother’s Birthday.

At around 8pm, the phone rang. If it was her daughter, just speaking about her own day, with not even a hint about the birthday. Marcia was much quieter than usual, but when her daughter asked her if she was alright she just said that she had a bit of a headache. Pam told of her to take some Tylenol and go to bed early. “Love you mom,” she ended.

Marcia put down the phone. ‘Love you Mom.’ How could Pamela  say a thing like that, a thing she did not mean? How could she say that and ignore her birthday? She felt wretched and neglected and alone as she put on a robe and got out of bed to make another cup of coffee, becoming absorbed in the story on the TV, but not too absorbed. She was devastated. That last call had proved that her birthday meant nothing. She would  let them know how much they had hurt her, but she would wait, wait until her forgotten birthday was finished .

At the stroke of midnight she phoned Brian. He was worried when he heard her voice. “Are you alright, mum?” He asked.” It is late. Are you OK? Do you feel well.?”

“No I am not OK,” she answered “and I see that none of you care at all whether I am OK or not. “

“Why Mum, why, what's the matter? “

“What ever the matter is, you wouldn't care  anyway. None of you care about me. One day you will get a report from a neighbor that I have died and it will just be a relief to all of you. “

“Mum, mum, don't say that.” said Brian. “We all love you. We love you so much. “

“No you don't,” she said bitterly.

“Mum why are you saying that ? What is the matter? “

“Today was my birthday,” she said at last.

Brian calculated that date, the 28th, yes it was his mother's birthday .

“Mom, I'm sorry,” he said. “Mom, happy birthday.”

“It is past midnight now,” his mother said. “It he's no longer at my birth day. It is too late. You missed it. “

“Mum why didn't you phone me before? Why didn't you phone me in the morning? We could have had such fun together. Maybe we can celebrate tomorrow. “

“Tomorrow is not my birthday.  Today before midnight was my birthday. What is there to celebrate? “

........................................................................

Does this or part of this scenario seemed slightly familiar to a greater or lesser extent? Let us look for a moment at what happened.

From the mother's point of view she was hurt victimized abandoned and rejected by her family. She waited all day for them to contact her and acknowledge her birthday but they didn't, and only after it was finished did she contact them to let them know the situation was unforgivable and nonredeemable.

She spent her birthday in extreme unhappiness, loneliness  and disillusionment. Her family had failed. They had forgotten her birthday. They did not care at all.

Let us also  take a brief look at how this happens with wedding anniversaries. The wife is well aware of the date of the anniversary and she looks forward to a special dinner, and red roses and perhaps a present. When that day goes past and it does not happen she becomes cold, angry and unresponsive, and again only tells her husband at midnight that he had missed their anniversary and that she felt angry and unloved. When he tries to say that they can make it up the next day she might be even more angry letting him know that for at least the next few weeks she resents him for showing such a lack of love.

The birthday scenario will probably also strain relationships for many weeks or even months, with all parties feeling uneasy and upset  with one another. The children are guilt ridden and the mother reminds them of this at every opportunity. as does the wife in the case of the forgotten anniversary .

 Suppose we write the story another way, a way which would make every one enjoy the birthday even though it takes a little pride, as she might see it,  away from the mother. However one can see it well worth it.

Suppose she had arisen knowing it is her birthday and wondering if her children  would remember. In the meanwhile she spoils herself making her favorite breakfast. When she sees at 9am that her somewhat scatterbrained children  have actually forgotten, she phones them up, saying: “It is my birthday today and we must all celebrate.  What shall we do?  I know I'm getting old, but it is great to be 59 now.”

 The daughter, Pamela, might feel a pang of guilt, but that is quickly and easily replaced and quelled  by her mother's happy tone of voice. “We are all coming to see you, mum, straight after work ,when children are also home. We also want to buy you something special. Happy birthday, mum, we love you. “

Marcia sits down and phones her son. “Hi, Brian, Pam and the kids are  coming over later because it is my birthday. I am going to get a cake and some goodies for them.”

Brian is immediately grateful that he was reminded. “ Mum what can we buy for you? We want it to be something special. What about the classical CD you were listening to, would you like it?”

“I would love it”, she would say, really thrilled.  When she puts down the phone she realizes that she has to do quite a lot of shopping and baking for the party. However she also wants to celebrate her birthday that morning, not to miss a bit of it, so she phones a friend, but she is unavailable.   Refusing to go on a mind trip about it she then phones another friend who is delighted to accompany her friend to a cafe for a  birthday tea, to be followed by a shopping spree.

For the anniversary, the wife can organize a wonderful supper with candles and roses. To refresh her husband’s memory , she phones him and tells him that she wants to buy him a present as today is their anniversary. She tells him that she really wants to buy him a part that he has wanted for his computer, but she does not want to do it without telling him as she might order the wrong one. The husband will then immediately go out and buy a present and book a movie for them for that evening. Of course the person can also pre-empt the anniversary as well  saying perhaps a week before: “It is  our wedding anniversary on Wednesday. Let's make it special. What shall we do?” They can then plan together.

With the birthday, Marcia could phone her son and daughter well before, and say :”I can’t believe that next Tuesday I will be 59 . Do you think I'm getting old?  How will we celebrate?”

What happens to us? Why do we continue to do it the first way?

 It is as if we board a black train, being carried along faster

and faster by our own fantasies and thoughts, where we

gradually eliminate or taint everything positive until we are

left with varying degrees of blackness.

 We all know that there are stations which we pass ‑ stopping

points which we for some reason speed past, driving ourselves

further and further towards destructive and negative thoughts.

  We all know these stations or choice points on that

black train ride.  We must learn to take them, to deliberately

'get off' that train, to deliberately stop this "train of

thought" and busy ourselves with something else ‑ anything else ‑ until we have

left this trap..

Change tracks, and get into a brighter, lighter train. You might believe that this is too hard  but it is not. You have to let go of a little pride or anger, which really isn't worth holding on to. Have fun and enjoy your anniversary or your birthday.  Why not?

To make an uncomfortable situation exciting and different is in our hands.